Le suck.

And I almost thought things were looking up. Silly me.

The University of Delaware thrives on fucking its students over. Did anyone give any notice as to when housing deposits and registration were due? No, no they did not. There were no emails, no flyers in mailboxes, nothing. So lo and behold, when is everything due? Today!! Which would be no problem, except for the fact that I don't have the $200 currently, and my parents can't A) answer the phone or B) call me back, like I've asked them to. Oh, and I guess I'm going to have another random roommate next year, because Ally hasn't said anything about living together again. Which kinda sucks...or really sucks.

The boy still really won't talk to me, and over the past week has stopped asking me to go see him. And in all honestly, since the rest of the Ship guys don't seem to understand or take seriously the fact that I can't mentally deal with hooking up with anyone else, regardless of not being in a relationship with Joe, I don't think I'm going to go out there. Because according to them I'm single, and should be able to, because it's not cheating. So I'm really just crazy, because I know it would hurt Joe, and I know it would hurt me if I did so. But they don't get that. I mention it and I get told I let him run my life, and he controls me, and it's not like that at all. They just don't get it.

I want to go home.
Concerts, and bowling, and bar tours.
I can't stand being here another week, it's too much stress
and people are too uncaring.

I'm replaceable, like batteries.

Why am I so upset about this?

The best friend called yesterday, and at the time, I wanted to talk to her about all this. She asked how Joe Mac and I were doing, and I avoided the question because I don't know, I don't know if there's anything there, I don't know if there will be once I'm home again. We didn't talk long, she had to go because she and Chris were going out to eat, but she promised to call back, so we can make plans for her 21st while I'm home over break. And when I see her when I'm home, it'll be at the Soul Spiral show and hanging out on her birthday, neither of which are occasions where it would be appropriate to start crying on her shoulder.

I wish there was something there to be completely happy about, but there isn't. There's the chance, and the hope, and the fact that he used to 'L-word' in reference to me, and came to see me, and mentioned moving in together, but there's no commitment, and no guarantee that he'll decide to be the boyfriend who loves me.

The one I lost, he's the one who shared his bed with me when I had roommate issues my freshmen year, after only knowing me a few weeks. He's the one who watched Scarface with me the weekend it was on TV three times. He's the one who held my hair back while I was puking after drinking way too much on multiple occasions. He's the one who's listened to me talk and cry and bitch and cry and just let me be me since college started. He's the one I talk to for hours, about any and everything, without worrying about sounding stupid, because I know he won't really laugh at me. He loves my dark hair, thinks my obsession with Jake is cute, and my nympho tendencies hot. He's the one who raps for me, and I tell him he's the next Vanilla Ice, and laugh at when he's cute drunk. And for some reason, he's the one I walked away from, or let walk away from me. All for the chance and possibility that the guy back home may have grown up and decided to be serious.

I want to be with Joe, don't get me wrong. It's just that I know what it's like with him. The working late hours, and going out with friends when I can't go because I'm not 21, and the girls and the fact that he's a total flirt and manwhore, and everything else. I love him and he makes me happier than anything when I look past all that. It's the waiting for him to be serious and decide that we're for real that kills me.

My mom was supposed to call me this weekend.
My sister won't talk to me.
Eric went to get food, and won't be back, so I'm listening to the playlist he made me last year.
I should be writing my paper on how Barbie is a horrible influence on the body image of white American teenage girls.

"This just makes your decision hurt less. It helps that she's awesome, and she lives closer to where I'll be working when I graduate."

That sounds so fucking convincing.

When I make excuses for
reasons you shouldn't come
see me, it's because I'm
scared. What you should
have done all those
weekends, is come anyway
and made me not scared
once you got here.

At least Mac knows that much.

Come with me//stay the night.

Of course I want to talk to you.
Yes, I do want to make the three hour road trip to come see you.

But babe, that's just going to make me keep falling in love with you.
And that wouldn't be good for either of us.
Every time I talk to you, I just want to be with you.

But decisions were made, I got owned.
I lost my own game.
And now, I don't want to be the it girl anymore.
I don't want to be the one everyone wants.
I want to be nobody, so I could easily chose and chose to be yours.

Instead, for some reason, I'm waiting on something that'll never come, or at the very least, never change. Guess what??? I haven't spoken to him since he was down here. Yeah, so what? We were the couple that was notorious for going months without speaking to each other. In retrospect, I think that probably said a lot about the relationship. And now, we're doing it again. We say love, and maybe we mean it. We say we'll wait for each other, and this is what happens. We end up not speaking until we're together, and things happen with other people, and it just ruins what could have been.

I don't like being wrong, and even more, I don't like admitting when I've made mistakes.
So this is gonna be big. I think I made the wrong choice here.

It's not that I don't love Joe, I know I do. But that's just it. I know I do, but when distance kills everything, and we don't talk and we don't see each other, it's just something I know, not feel.

Come with me, stay the night
You say the words, but boy it don't feel right
What do you expect me to say?
You take my hand, you say you've changed
But boy, you know you're begging don't fool me

I was young, and in love
I gave you everything but it wasn't enough

...it's just a little too late.

Maybe it IS too little too late.
I don't want it to be, but come on, it's been over two years.
I don't know what to expect anymore. I don't know if I should expect anything anymore.

In other news, my grandmom fell off a treadmill this afternoon.
Despite the fact that she hurt herself enough to need medical attention,
I think that's really fucking funny.

Of love and such.

"I love you; you're fucking perfect." So said the boy who swore he loves me.

I'm the dumb one for expecting him to wait while I tried to figure my life out.
I'm the dumb one for expecting him to understand that I need to know about Joe.
I'm the dumb one for expecting him to actually mean it.

And now I'm the dumb one for wanting to cry my eyes out over the fact that he's with someone else.

I'm the dumb one who was in love and told him to wait and expected him to.

The past is the past for a reason.
I just wanted to know what that reason is.
And I wanted to know if there's anyway to resurrect it.
But Joe never wants to talk. Or he won't. He says things and does thing but he won't commit to committing. I'm getting really weary of letting things pass me by, in hopes that someday he will.

I've had boyfriends who hit me.
I've had boyfriends who dated me just to sleep with me.
I've had boyfriends who dated me because they think I'm easy and they'd get some.
I've had boyfriends who dated me to use me as a trophy girlfriend.
I've had boyfriends who lie and cheat and lead lives that I know nothing about.

But I've never had one that has actually, really loved me.
I wonder what that would have been like.

Oh, I'm so glad I'm back.

I hurt myself today, just to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain- the only thing that's real.
The needle tears a hole, try to kill it all away
Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything

I wear this crown of thorns, upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts, that I cannont repair
Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear
You are someone else, I am still right here

What have I become, my sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away in the end
And you could have it all, my empire of dirt
I will let you down, I will make you hurt

If I could start again, a million miles away
I would keep myself, I would find a way.

I had a conversation I never wanted to have this afternoon.
The fact that it was with one of the last people I give a fuck about makes it a million times worse. Don't make me feel guilty about being here. Don't tell me how depressed you are, and how much you want out. Don't tell me about fighting and drinking and the two of them 'ignoring' how you feel. I know how they feel too, they CARE. They know how you feel, it's really hard to hide. I would know, I'm the one who tried to hide the worst gut wrenching soul sucking suicidal depressed feelings during high school. And what did you do? You drug me off to see a shrink. So do it for yourself. But do not tell me how bad it is and how much you want out. Because all I do is take it out on myself because I should be there. I should be there to make you happy. And I can't be. I'm in capable of making anyone else happy. I'm a failure, and maybe I should go all freakin' Donnie Darko on the world and take back the past few years, and erase everything and replace it all with something better.

I'm so glad it's still cold out.

And the blogging addiction commences.

Wow, so I have another one of these things.

I've neglected and/or shut down multiple Xangas, LiveJournals, and MySpaces, on top of my written journal, because I am an blog addict. I read them. I have obsessive urges to update and write in them, most of the time about nothing. And the I lose interest and too much time passes to make the effort to save an old one, and my old audience disappears anyway. Since I actually had things to muse over today, it seemed like a convenient time to restart my cyber addiction (unless of course, someone can recommend a form of rehab)

So I'm 20 years old. I'm supposed to be graduating from U of D at the end of next year. And I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm on my third major, criminal justice, which from what I hear, will get me next to nowhere unless I plan on going to grad or law school, which I don't (no money, and no desire to spend another four years of my life attending lectures and writing papers). I'm a year and a half away from getting out, and I'm clueless as to what to do with the education I've spent countless thousands of dollars on over the last three years. In all honesty, right now, I'd be happy moving home, convincing the boy that we should move in together, and getting a job somewhere, waiting tables, or managing Blockbuster, like I could have done, and being happy with my life. I haven't looked at internships, I haven't been to job fairs, because I don't think it would be too impressive to show up and be asked what I'm looking for and shrug and tell the people thinking of hiring me that I'll take whatever they throw at me because I have no clue.

So while trying to figure this out, I've written papers, gone to classes and done multiple hours of busy work and never questioned it. I almost want to talk to my mom about it, but currently, the parental units are ignoring me. I call, I email, and I get ignored. They're probably fighting, or drinking or a combination of both. I told my sister to stop calling me, because she never actually talks about anything, and always calls when I'm doing homework, and now I regret that.

...winter sucks.
I just got back from class and it's cold and windy and craptastic.
And I can't remember where I was going with this.
Constitutional Law of the U.S. massacred my brain today.